Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Missing Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking mishap in the Bay Of Fundy, a Nova Scotian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

"We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband pleaded.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The Mountie replied, " We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!"

Read more...

If Men Ruled the World

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Amanda Hugnkiss."

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle."

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Read more...

How to BBQ

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - glass of iced tea/beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him more iced tea/beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Read more...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

224 word Palindrome

A palindrome is a word or a phrase which is the same when read from the

start or the end, for example the word wow or racecar. Or how about the

phrase; A Toyota's a Toyota. where ever you start they are the same.



You would imagine a palindrome is pretty hard to think up, maybe the odd

word could be easy enough, and with a bit of effort a phrase, well how

about a 224 word poem? here's



"Dammit I'm Mad"



by



Demetri Martin



   Dammit I'm mad.

   Evil is a deed as I live.

   God, am I reviled? I rise, my bed on a sun, I melt.

   To be not one man emanating is sad. I piss.

   Alas, it is so late. Who stops to help?

   Man, it is hot. I'm in it. I tell.

   I am not a devil. I level "Mad Dog".

   Ah, say burning is, as a deified gulp,

   In my halo of a mired rum tin.

   I erase many men. Oh, to be man, a sin.

   Is evil in a clam? In a trap?

   No. It is open. On it I was stuck.

   Rats peed on hope. Elsewhere dips a web.

   Be still if I fill its ebb.

   Ew, a spider... eh?

   We sleep. Oh no!

   Deep, stark cuts saw it in one position.

   Part animal, can I live? Sin is a name.

   Both, one... my names are in it.

   Murder? I'm a fool.

   A hymn I plug, deified as a sign in ruby ash,

   A Goddam level I lived at.

   On mail let it in. I'm it.

   Oh, sit in ample hot spots. Oh wet!

   A loss it is alas (sip). I'd assign it a name.

   Name not one bottle minus an ode by me:

   "Sir, I deliver. I'm a dog"

   Evil is a deed as I live.

   Dammit I'm mad.



I promise you, bar some punctuation, it reads the same forwards or

backwards.

Read more...

Marry Me


These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer : We are not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail... It's a bit long but hilarious 



# - Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha, I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha 


# I want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Homework?)


Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you 

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)


She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She should be educated.

(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !) 


# I am simple boy.I have lot of problemin my life because ofmyl ucknow i amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot


# My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT...... 

(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)


# I want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast 

(by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)


# HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY, WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TOLOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing)


# Whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp 

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)


# Iam pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother
sister complity marred

(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely' ?) 


# my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! )


# my colour is black,but my heart is white i like social service 

(Zebra..???)

Read more...

Frog and snail


Read more...

Deer and Cat


Read more...
Loading...

From the Author

We Created this website on Feb 3rd 2009. We hope to keep to keep it going for a long long time. Do visit us regularly
There was an error in this gadget

  © Blogger templates Newspaper III by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP